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Every once in a while, even I surprise myself. And, I'm not talking about something good here, people. Sometimes my neurosis (plural) even cause me to shake my own head in disbelief.
I realized that I have an issue with dolls. Not all dolls, but this one specifically:
The thing looks so darn real and for some reason, I can't rest if I know "baby Harper" is face down, naked or in another position that would be uncomfortable or unsafe for a REAL baby. It dawned on me tonight as I was ever-so-gingerly putting her diaper on straight, that I, without even realizing it, has a more-often-than-not tendency to put blankets on her before bed, make sure her clothes are on and buttoned, ensure she is not face down on the couch and other therapy-worthy things.
Step one, admitting your have a problem. Step two...padded walls here I come.
I have to say, after all the worry and life upheaval that came with our precious nanny leaving...sometimes it's just the little things that make it all okay!
My little girl is LOVING school (like talk-about-it-all-day, obsessed-with-her-teachers...loving it) and today was her first day napping there. I was a nervous wreck...until I saw this:
Since hubby's rules are NO PICTURES OF THE KIDS ONLINE...you will have to take my word for it when I say her face just looks so peaceful and content. I mean, that is one happy little lady (and mama!)
Happy St. Patrick's Day!
I'm touched and flattered. One of my favorite bloggers and the gal that inspired me to start my own blog, Lauren over at Finding La La Land), awarded me with my very first blog award. Me?!? I still can't help but think it was an oversight, a mistake. In all honesty, I can't wrap my arms around the idea that people (although, admittedly, not a lot) actually read my blog...let alone like it. But, hey, I'm honored and thankful, none-the-less. Thank you, dear Lauren, for the accolades -- especially from you, it means the world to me!
So...without further ado, here are the rules:
1. Thank and link back to the person who awarded you this award. Check.
2. Share 7 things about yourself. See below.
3. Award 15 recently discovered great bloggers. Below again. Some are recently discovered, to me!
4. Contact the bloggers and tell them about the award! Will do.
About Me. My profile gives a pretty good overview, so here are some other odds and ends:
1. I'm pretty much an open book. There is nothing about myself that I won't share, discuss and analyze with others. Sometimes without them asking. Sometimes to those I just met. Never been one with a filter.
2. I have a not-so-secret obsession with shows like Deadliest Catch, Ice Road Truckers and Dirty Jobs. I guess I have an odd fascination with burly, rough-and-tumble men? I cried - actual tears - when Captain Phil Harris died.
3. I wanted to be an astronaut as a kid. My big-time fear of flying will probably keep me out of that line of work. And, on that subject, seeing (not CLIMBING) Mt. Everest is on my bucket list...but you have to fly into the world's most dangerous airport to get there, so that probably won't happen either!
4. I'm a sweats and flats kinda gal. I wish, so badly, that I loved fashion and could be one of those girls that even looks cute at the grocery store, could pull off funky accessories and gets compliments on clothes, but when it comes to choosing fashion or comfort -- comfort always wins. Each and every time.
5. There are only two foods IN THE ENTIRE WORLD I won't eat, and one isn't even a food. Blue cheese and apple juice. That's it. Coupled with the fact that I can't stand working out, I can't imagine why I have weight issues?!
6. I'm fascinated about everything that has to do with pregnancy and birth. I love to hear other people's birth stories, even and especially the really gory details. Post-birth of my two kids, I would close my eyes trying to remember and relive each and every moment, not wanting to forget the feelings, smells, words, sounds and faces that shared the moments with us.
7. I asked my hubby to share something too. After a little prying and eye rolling, he said..."You're a great Mom, very strongly opinionated and have big, cute eyes. You worry too much, spend too much and beat yourself up too much." So sweet. In all honesty, I had to edit it slightly, as parts of what he wrote just weren't appropriate for the blog-o-sphere :)
And, now, the envelope, please! My nominations for the "Stylish Blogger Award" goes to (in random order)...
Bellies and Babies
Notes from the Desk of Ga Ga
Household Affairs
A Mom Thing
Our Great Life Adventure
Emphasis Added
Little Ree Writes
Bopril
I know there aren't 15...but, hey, I'm newish to this crazy, bloggy world.
I'm slowly but steadily moving on. Yes, Marta is still leaving. She has 7 more days with our family...to be exact. But, I have hit the acceptance stage of the grieving process. Didn't do anger (probably coming, yikes). Bargaining was ugly...that stage included a sobbing conversation with Marta begging her to stay. Denial was short lived -- mostly because I had to get up and figure out the next step. Reality setting in was tough, I went for a few days with crying spells about every 45 minutes. Luckily for me...the worst of it came the day I was in the office. Awesome. Really. One of my finer moments?!? Its good the folks that crossed my path that day were parents...really, really understanding parents, most who have been through something similar.
My amazing mom was able to point something out to me, that I felt all along but couldn't really pin-point. As we were talking about why my emotions were SO strong with this (maybe too strong?), she reminded me that I haven't had a lot of experience with true loss in my life. When my cherished grandma died, my 13-year-old self wasn't able to wrap my selfish mind around the concept, so I never really mourned her loss. And, I've been good in my life pushing people away first, before they could leave me. I guess I wasn't prepared, didn't see it coming and it hurt me to my core. Especially as a mom.
Also, since my emotions were so big (and usually are), I forgot that my amazing husband is going through this too. For some reason I felt the weight of the world rest soley on my shoulders. He actually had to remind me that he is nervous and sad too and it felt really calming and comforting to realize this...knowing we will figure it out, together.
I'm seeing the light now. We enrolled the kids in school for 3 days a week and are in the process of looking for a part-time nanny. We didn't have to pull MDB out of the school he is currently in, which is a blessing to me. Too many changes at once didn't feel right. Ellie is starting at the same school. And, the best part, on the day they nap at school, they get to do it together, in the same room, cots side-by-side. I love that, especially for my baby girl.
I have some feelers out there for a nanny. This is the part I'm really scared about...how to trust someone with my kids all over again? But, for the first time since this all started, I know it's going to be okay. We found the perfect nanny once...another one is out there too. And, next week, I'm seeing a family therapist...just to make sure we're handling this okay with the kids.
I still catch myself from time-to-time with that hint of sadness and fear. The moment stops me in my tracks, where I can feel my heart actually hurt a bit.
So, next week will be a big week in the nanny search, as well as planning the perfect goodbye for Marta. Of course, since I love giving them, I'll send her away with gifts. Marta is a BIG coffee drinker...so I got a coffee mug with the kids pictures on it and a frame with some of her favorite pictures of the family. And, my Mom...my amazing, amazing mom...got her this necklace, with a "M" on the back of one heart and a "L" on the back of the other. So, the kids will always be with her, close to her heart.
And, we will plan a little "party" for her last day. This is some advice that I got from a few fellow Moms, who have been through this before. I can promise you this...she will walk away knowing how important she is to us and that we will never, ever forget her!
As I truly believe everything happens for a reason and there is a lesson to be learned from pain, perhaps this experience, will allow me to have deeper, meaningful relationships with people. Because, now I know that I'm strong enough to prevail should we ever have to say goodbye.
Tears roll down my face as I type. Our beloved Marta, our nanny of almost 4 years, is leaving us. Her sister is sick, her diagnosis unknown and they must return home to Poland. Just like that. In two weeks.
I feel like there has been a death in the family. I'm not sure how to say goodbye to her -- to this amazing woman who has been my rock, my source of comfort and calm, the protector of my precious children since both their births, the reason I could do the job I love and never EVER worry about the wellbeing of the kids.
My mind is swirling. Aside from our own personal struggle to quickly figure out what's next for our family and my own personal feelings of loss, my heart aches for my poor babies. I fear what a struggle this will be for their little hearts and minds. I know I can't shelter them from pain forever, but I also know this is going to hurt, bad. And, my Marta. I know she is scared of what lies ahead. Her life changed in an instant...makes you stop and think of how precious life truly is.
In my heart I knew there would always come a time when we would have to part ways. The kids getting older, our pending move -- but I guess I wasn't prepared for such an abrupt departure and to be honest, I wasn't prepared to feel so emotional and sad. As an outsider, I'm sure it seems silly and trivial -- but this amazing person has been with us 5 days a week and countless weekend nights since MDB was 3 months old. She has been instrumental in their upbringing and with us through every milestone, cough, tooth, skinned knee, laugh and more and I'm so not ready to let go, so permanently. I guess I figured we would get through any life changes -- putting the house on the market, moving, school, etc., because Marta would be there to be the constant and make it all okay.
I know there is a silver lining here. Her departure is forcing us to take the next step in our lives without hesitation -- to make the move to the suburbs, increase school days for MBD and have Ellie start school. But, for now, I mourn, I pray for Marta and her family, I help my kids and hubby get through this and I say goodbye ensuring she walks away knowing how much she means to us and how much she will be missed and remembered, always.
