Thursday, April 28, 2011

Stopped Me In My Tracks

Sometimes something I read or watch stops me right in my tracks.  The sheer truthfulness of the words or the overwhelming feeling that the person is speaking directly to me just shakes me to my core.  I had one of these hit-me-over-the-head moments yesterday and I just had to share. 

This video, of one of the miracle survivors of the US Air Hudson River plane crash sharing his story, is short, simple, to the point -- and quite possibly life changing.  I hope it leaves you thinking about your life a little differently too.  I'm quite sure the message will change me and follow me for a long time to come.

Tuesday, April 26, 2011

The State of Jen

I write blog posts in the shower.  I write blog posts when I blow dry my hair.  I write blog posts on the train going to/from work.  I write blog posts as I fall asleep at night.  Such an amazing, dedicated would think.  Except there is one teensy-weensy problem.  I have yet to figure out how to actually find the time to turn all these unbelievably witty and thought-provoking daydream posts into, you know, actual ones. 

While on the subject of finding the time...I had a meltdown on the way home from work today.  Lately, I feel like I suck at my job, suck at wifedom, suck at home, suck at taking care of myself and just in general suck at life.  I'm telling you, admittedly, I'm still not sure I fully recovered from the nanny leaving.  My supportive and amazing husband just held my hand and listened to me rant and rave (and sob, I might add) as I shared with him my feelings about just overall sucking at finding balance these days.  Then, ever so matter of factly he said he feels the same way and that he guesses the only way to truly find more time in the day is to just sleep less.  Awesome.


It has been a very busy past few weeks.  There has been so much I've been wanting to post, but I couldn't open my eyes -- literally -- for an entire week!  Oh, where to start...

1.  This is how I spent all of last week:

Hubs and I went out on Saturday night for a friend's 40th birthday.  We went to one of my favorite places -- a dueling piano bar that plays music that makes you want to stand up and dance.  And, so I did.  And, so did my friend.  We got so into our moves that her elbow accidentally found my eye.  It hurt a little at the time and kept watering, but didn't really seem like that big of a deal...until the next morning at 4 a.m. (probably when the alcohol wore off!)  I couldn't open my right eye without excruciating pain and just the strain of trying to see out of my left was too much to bear.  So, after a trip to urgent care (in which the hubs walked the kids in the double stroller and me down the street with my eyes closed) and a Opthamologist (in which I had to be wheel chaired out, due to my lack of food and abundance of pain pills), it was deemed that I had a very major and very large cornial abrasion.  I literally spent 3 days straight in bed - unable to watch TV, read, be on the computer or do just about anything else.  Thank the lord, I have unbelievable friends and family that dropped everything to help!  And, my days were brightened by flowers from friends and a hilarious card that read, "Next time you get into a cat fight at a bar, be courteous enough to take video."  Hee hee.

2. Sadly, I had to call off a volunteer doula shift last week.  I haven't been to a birth since January and I really, really want to!  Keeping my fingers crossed for May!

3.  Our house is going on the market at the end of next week.  Gulp.  Apprehension is really setting in.  I'm so ready for suburban life, but also so not.  The thought of keeping the house psychotically clean makes me physically ill.  Oh, and, we still haven't solved that little problem of where to move next.  Aside from the annoyingness of it all, I truly know its time and am excited for what lies ahead.

4.  And, I saved the very, very best for last.  The newest member of our family was born on April 7.  Hubs middle brother and his wife (who just happens to be my HS friend) welcomed their third baby into the world, a truly precious and adorable little girl.  I now have two nieces and two nephews...who is luckier than me?  I couldn't get enough of snuggling that little baby.  Is there anything more amazing and perfect that newborn babies?!?  Man, do I just adore being an Aunt.  I really, really do.  This little girl just captured my heart at first glance.  I can't wait to spoil her rotten and tell her as much as I can how much I just adore and love her (and her big sister and brother too!)

My SIL rocked, really!  The baby had been breech starting at about 35 weeks and she painstakingly committed herself to all the chiropractic-acupuncture-therapy appointments she could to get that baby girl to turn without medical intervention!  She eventually went in for the version procedure to turn the baby, got to triage and ended up going into labor naturally and when they examined her, the baby had turned head down.  I guess its true that third children are so easy going and accommodating! :)

Thank you, from the bottom of my heart, for continuing to read and support me, even thought my posts are never as frequent or amazing as they are in my head!

Tuesday, April 12, 2011

My Boy

At this exact moment four years ago, at 3:20 p.m. on April 12, my life changed in an instant.  At that second, when I first layed my eyes on my newborn son, the air felt different, the world around me seemed to stop in time and I could feel, from the depth of my soul, love like I've never felt before.  I knew becoming a mother would be monumental, but in the calm of those early moments of us breathing the same pocket of air, it became clear to me that I was put on this earth for that little boy and later his sister.

Today, I'm the mother of a four year old.  Where does time go, really?  All those days I prayed for him to get a little older so he could sleep through the night, get out of diapers or be able to play by, I find myself craving to go back in time.  I catch myself mesmerized by his big, blue, full of life and wonder eyes and his way-too-grown-up, perfect face trying, with every ounce of my being, to remember the way his newborn skin felt and the exact position he would snuggle in my arms as he dozed off to sleep. 

But, if his 4-year-old self is any indication of the boy and man he will become, I also feel myself about bursting with pride.  I just love everything about him and marvel at the intensity in which this little human brings joy to my life more and more everyday.

My darling boy -- where do I even start?  These past few months, I have watched you in awe take those last precious steps out of babyhood.  Your true personality is shining through more and more everyday, revealing a vivid imagination and endless sense of wonder, an unmistakable passion -- bordering on obsession -- for the things you love most (at the moment being Thomas the Train and Disney Cars and Toy Story) and a sweet shyness that as moments pass turns into a hidden, sweet smile and then comfort and calm. 

You're never the most outgoing or loudest in the room, but instead I catch you watching, observing and learning.  And, when deep in play, when it seems like you aren't paying attention at all to the world around you, you're the first to pick up on tensions or unrest and your mood shifts instantly. 

You seem to be more in your element when with a select few, versus a large group.  But, also the kid that after a few moments of assessing the situation can adapt to an unexpected situation and go with the flow.  You like to play with older kids -- especially your beloved cousin -- but are also at-ease with the younger ones.

The past few months have brought more change than you have known since birth, with your beloved Marta leaving.  As your Mom, I always go out of my way to protect you from pain or unrest and I ached for your little heart as I watched you try and make sense of her departure.  I sat awake at night with fear of how you would get through.  And, of course, as you always do -- you amazed me.  You were brave and strong and could express your sadness when you needed to.  You were understanding and calm and welcomed our new normal with trepidation but an open mind.  Such a huge life lesson from my little man.

You love your family to your core and seem happiest surrounded by your legions of grandparents, aunts, uncles, cousins (and all the pseudo aunts, uncles and cousins in your life).  And, to them, your mere presence lights up a room and endless hugs light up the lives all around you.

Your sister is the luckiest little girl on the planet, because she has you.  No one makes her feel better when she's sad and no one can make her smile and laugh more than you.  The way you look out for her brings me such comfort as I know she is set for life.  My heart nearly busted out of my chest when Ellie's teacher told me how you two hug each other like a lifetime has gone by, when you see each other in the halls at school and how you raced to the nearest adult you could find in distress when you realized your sister was sock-less at the indoor playground.  And, just yesterday, after you received the gifts you've been waiting for with baited breath -- the real Buzz Lightyear and Woody -- you let your sister hold them - both - only moments after opening them.  The best part, you do things like this all the time.  Not because anyone tells you to, but just because you want to. 

I love how you have your Dad's spirit (yep, the very one that got him in more trouble than you are EVER allowed to know).  Just like him, you're quick with a joke and love to see just how far you can take something before you really get in trouble.  But, in a pinch, more and more I can count on you to be a great listener and know right from wrong.  And, while it seems I passed my love of routine and need to be prepared for what's ahead to you -- you're also way better at bouncing back from disappointment than me.  You're teaching me to not sweat the small stuff and that a big hug and belly laugh really can cure all that ails.

Happy 4th birthday my darling.  I plan to give you about 10,000 kisses as a gift, as I'm just not sure how much time I have left where that will still be okay. 

Your Dad, sister and I, oh how we love you, right down to your very core.