Moving On

I'm slowly but steadily moving on.  Yes, Marta is still leaving.  She has 7 more days with our family...to be exact.  But, I have hit the acceptance stage of the grieving process.  Didn't do anger (probably coming, yikes).  Bargaining was ugly...that stage included a sobbing conversation with Marta begging her to stay.  Denial was short lived -- mostly because I had to get up and figure out the next step.  Reality setting in was tough, I went for a few days with crying spells about every 45 minutes.  Luckily for me...the worst of it came the day I was in the office.  Awesome.  Really.  One of my finer moments?!?  Its good the folks that crossed my path that day were parents...really, really understanding parents, most who have been through something similar.

My amazing mom was able to point something out to me, that I felt all along but couldn't really pin-point.  As we were talking about why my emotions were SO strong with this (maybe too strong?), she reminded me that I haven't had a lot of experience with true loss in my life.  When my cherished grandma died, my 13-year-old self wasn't able to wrap my selfish mind around the concept, so I never really mourned her loss.  And, I've been good in my life pushing people away first, before they could leave me.  I guess I wasn't prepared, didn't see it coming and it hurt me to my core.  Especially as a mom.

Also, since my emotions were so big (and usually are), I forgot that my amazing husband is going through this too.  For some reason I felt the weight of the world rest soley on my shoulders.  He actually had to remind me that he is nervous and sad too and it felt really calming and comforting to realize this...knowing we will figure it out, together.

I'm seeing the light now.  We enrolled the kids in school for 3 days a week and are in the process of looking for a part-time nanny.  We didn't have to pull MDB out of the school he is currently in, which is a blessing to me.  Too many changes at once didn't feel right.  Ellie is starting at the same school.  And, the best part, on the day they nap at school, they get to do it together, in the same room, cots side-by-side.  I love that, especially for my baby girl. 

I have some feelers out there for a nanny.  This is the part I'm really scared about...how to trust someone with my kids all over again?  But, for the first time since this all started, I know it's going to be okay.  We found the perfect nanny once...another one is out there too.  And, next week, I'm seeing a family therapist...just to make sure we're handling this okay with the kids.

I still catch myself from time-to-time with that hint of sadness and fear.  The moment stops me in my tracks, where I can feel my heart actually hurt a bit. 

So, next week will be a big week in the nanny search, as well as planning the perfect goodbye for Marta.  Of course, since I love giving them, I'll send her away with gifts.  Marta is a BIG coffee drinker...so I got a coffee mug with the kids pictures on it and a frame with some of her favorite pictures of the family.  And, my Mom...my amazing, amazing mom...got her this necklace, with a "M" on the back of one heart and a "L" on the back of the other.  So, the kids will always be with her, close to her heart.

And, we will plan a little "party" for her last day.  This is some advice that I got from a few fellow Moms, who have been through this before.  I can promise you this...she will walk away knowing how important she is to us and that we will never, ever forget her!

As I truly believe everything happens for a reason and there is a lesson to be learned from pain, perhaps this experience, will allow me to have deeper, meaningful relationships with people.  Because, now I know that I'm strong enough to prevail should we ever have to say goodbye.