Heart Ache

Tears roll down my face as I type.  Our beloved Marta, our nanny of almost 4 years, is leaving us.  Her sister is sick, her diagnosis unknown and they must return home to Poland.  Just like that.  In two weeks. 

I feel like there has been a death in the family.  I'm not sure how to say goodbye to her -- to this amazing woman who has been my rock, my source of comfort and calm, the protector of my precious children since both their births, the reason I could do the job I love and never EVER worry about the wellbeing of the kids. 

My mind is swirling.  Aside from our own personal struggle to quickly figure out what's next for our family and my own personal feelings of loss, my heart aches for my poor babies.  I fear what a struggle this will be for their little hearts and minds.  I know I can't shelter them from pain forever, but I also know this is going to hurt, bad.  And, my Marta.  I know she is scared of what lies ahead.  Her life changed in an instant...makes you stop and think of how precious life truly is.

In my heart I knew there would always come a time when we would have to part ways.  The kids getting older, our pending move -- but I guess I wasn't prepared for such an abrupt departure and to be honest, I wasn't prepared to feel so emotional and sad.  As an outsider, I'm sure it seems silly and trivial -- but this amazing person has been with us 5 days a week and countless weekend nights since MDB was 3 months old.  She has been instrumental in their upbringing and with us through every milestone, cough, tooth, skinned knee, laugh and more and I'm so not ready to let go, so permanently.   I guess I figured we would get through any life changes -- putting the house on the market, moving, school, etc., because Marta would be there to be the constant and make it all okay.

I know there is a silver lining here. Her departure is forcing us to take the next step in our lives without hesitation -- to make the move to the suburbs, increase school days for MBD and have Ellie start school.  But, for now, I mourn, I pray for Marta and her family, I help my kids and hubby get through this and I say goodbye ensuring she walks away knowing how much she means to us and how much she will be missed and remembered, always.