My Boy

At this exact moment four years ago, at 3:20 p.m. on April 12, my life changed in an instant.  At that second, when I first layed my eyes on my newborn son, the air felt different, the world around me seemed to stop in time and I could feel, from the depth of my soul, love like I've never felt before.  I knew becoming a mother would be monumental, but in the calm of those early moments of us breathing the same pocket of air, it became clear to me that I was put on this earth for that little boy and later his sister.

Today, I'm the mother of a four year old.  Where does time go, really?  All those days I prayed for him to get a little older so he could sleep through the night, get out of diapers or be able to play by himself...now, I find myself craving to go back in time.  I catch myself mesmerized by his big, blue, full of life and wonder eyes and his way-too-grown-up, perfect face trying, with every ounce of my being, to remember the way his newborn skin felt and the exact position he would snuggle in my arms as he dozed off to sleep. 

But, if his 4-year-old self is any indication of the boy and man he will become, I also feel myself about bursting with pride.  I just love everything about him and marvel at the intensity in which this little human brings joy to my life more and more everyday.

My darling boy -- where do I even start?  These past few months, I have watched you in awe take those last precious steps out of babyhood.  Your true personality is shining through more and more everyday, revealing a vivid imagination and endless sense of wonder, an unmistakable passion -- bordering on obsession -- for the things you love most (at the moment being Thomas the Train and Disney Cars and Toy Story) and a sweet shyness that as moments pass turns into a hidden, sweet smile and then comfort and calm. 

You're never the most outgoing or loudest in the room, but instead I catch you watching, observing and learning.  And, when deep in play, when it seems like you aren't paying attention at all to the world around you, you're the first to pick up on tensions or unrest and your mood shifts instantly. 

You seem to be more in your element when with a select few, versus a large group.  But, also the kid that after a few moments of assessing the situation can adapt to an unexpected situation and go with the flow.  You like to play with older kids -- especially your beloved cousin -- but are also at-ease with the younger ones.

The past few months have brought more change than you have known since birth, with your beloved Marta leaving.  As your Mom, I always go out of my way to protect you from pain or unrest and I ached for your little heart as I watched you try and make sense of her departure.  I sat awake at night with fear of how you would get through.  And, of course, as you always do -- you amazed me.  You were brave and strong and could express your sadness when you needed to.  You were understanding and calm and welcomed our new normal with trepidation but an open mind.  Such a huge life lesson from my little man.

You love your family to your core and seem happiest surrounded by your legions of grandparents, aunts, uncles, cousins (and all the pseudo aunts, uncles and cousins in your life).  And, to them, your mere presence lights up a room and endless hugs light up the lives all around you.

Your sister is the luckiest little girl on the planet, because she has you.  No one makes her feel better when she's sad and no one can make her smile and laugh more than you.  The way you look out for her brings me such comfort as I know she is set for life.  My heart nearly busted out of my chest when Ellie's teacher told me how you two hug each other like a lifetime has gone by, when you see each other in the halls at school and how you raced to the nearest adult you could find in distress when you realized your sister was sock-less at the indoor playground.  And, just yesterday, after you received the gifts you've been waiting for with baited breath -- the real Buzz Lightyear and Woody -- you let your sister hold them - both - only moments after opening them.  The best part, you do things like this all the time.  Not because anyone tells you to, but just because you want to. 

I love how you have your Dad's spirit (yep, the very one that got him in more trouble than you are EVER allowed to know).  Just like him, you're quick with a joke and love to see just how far you can take something before you really get in trouble.  But, in a pinch, more and more I can count on you to be a great listener and know right from wrong.  And, while it seems I passed my love of routine and need to be prepared for what's ahead to you -- you're also way better at bouncing back from disappointment than me.  You're teaching me to not sweat the small stuff and that a big hug and belly laugh really can cure all that ails.

Happy 4th birthday my darling.  I plan to give you about 10,000 kisses as a gift, as I'm just not sure how much time I have left where that will still be okay. 

Your Dad, sister and I, oh how we love you, right down to your very core.