Wednesday, July 6, 2011

Happy Birthday

Today is my birthday.  34.  It's not 35.  Truthfully, it doesn't feel too bad.  In my mind, I'm still too young to be a mother, have a tendency to regress to the likes of an immature 16-year-old in front of my parents and have to pack on 10 pounds of make up to be taken seriously at work or order a drink in a bar - so I feel ok with another year under my belt.

I love birthday's.  I'm not afraid to admit that an ENTIRE day about me is extremely appealing.  I love calls from friends that I don't get to talk to enough, getting pampered all day by my obliging hubby and, this year, waking up to my son's sweet voice whispering happy birthday and showering me with about 100 kisses.  I get teased a lot that I actually celebrate "the week of Jen" and you know what, I'm totally comfortable with that!

And, the best part about my's also my Dad's!  Honestly, sharing the day with him makes it all about 2 billion times more special.  Now that I'm a parent, I can only imagine how amazing it was to be handed his baby girl (a cute one, by the way :)) on his birthday! 

My Dad is, without question, one of the greatest men to walk the earth.  I love his passion for life, his unwavering commitment to his wife, marriage and family, his sense of humor, his work ethic, his uncanny ability to look at things from all different angles and challenge the status quo and his young-at-heart, playful soul.  And, to top it off, he has to share his special day with his birthday obsessed daughter.  What a guy!  Dad, thank you for always loving and believing in me, even when the boarding school in Britain seemed appealing, never letting me rest on my laurels, loving my kids and husband to your core, always being okay with figuring out the tax, flying to NY only to drive 15 hours home so I wouldn't have to be alone and actually being the Dad to pick me up from a party and really not ask any questions!  Happy birthday Pop Pop...I'm proud and honored to be your daughter.  Here's to 93!

This day also has a different meaning.  It was my due date - kinda, sorta, not really.  You see, hubs and I pretty much decided we were done in the kids department.  We have already been blessed with two perfect children.  To make a very long story short, last November I was late, took a pregnancy test and it was positive.  There it was in that tiny digital screen, one simple word, pregnant.  Whoa...impossible, I thought...we were extremely careful.  After the initial shock wore off and my husband could look me in the eyes again, I think we were both okay and even excited with the idea of another child.  It had to be fate...the super reliable Internet calculator said the due date was, none other than, July 6. 

I have to say looking back, I knew it felt different.  I took a few other tests that night and the next morning that were all negative.  Then, I woke up the morning after that with my period.  So strange...I mean, who ever heard of a false positive?!  I even went to the doctor just for reassurance and sure enough I'd never been pregnant at all.  I was relieved, but perhaps just a little disappointed too.  When I dug down deep, I realized my sadness stemmed from not being able to be pregnant again (loved it) and not getting to realize my dream of a drug-free birth -- but the rest of it made me feel nervous and completely overwhelmed and unequipped to handle it all.  I honestly didn't know if my sometimes overwhelming anxiety and heart already bursting with love and fear for all of the unknowns could possibly handle another child.  We're still struggling with the decision and I couldn't tell you definitively what the future will hold. 

It's strange now, thinking how different this birthday could have been.  What I do know, as I found myself showered with love all day, I'm one lucky girl and there is no better birthday gift than that!